It is amazing as an adult that the work place can sometimes be just as immature as high school. Two co-workers texting the boss on each other at 6am instead of working out their differences. I really need to find a new job. Preferably one from home so I can not only have peace of mind but have mad deductions for a home office. I should be doing that anyways with my GurlFamous business but until the profits get bigger the business isn’t truly off of the ground.
Six years ago my husband and I made a decision to reverse my tubal ligation and try for a child together. It seems almost like a lifetime ago. A friend I met through a group on Facebook has went through the journey with me. She had her tubal corrected after I had mine done. We have spent many days venting to each other about the trials and tribulations of our journeys. Both turned out completely different than what we had expected. We both expected to have children resulting from the surgery without any problems conceiving. She and I both ended up taking jobs at Starbucks in an effort to be able to do IVF. My insurance never activated through Starbucks since they never could supply me with enough hours to qualify. I ended up quitting and my current job doesn’t offer insurance for anything beyond finding out why conception has happened. Back in 2013, at the end of the year, I had insurance that covered IVF and the job lasted long enough for us to figure out why and to make the appointment to be able to plan out our IVF journey. Then I was let go from the job for which ended up being poor training. What causes our infertility? I had polyps but had a DNC to have them removed March of 2014. His count and quality isn’t sufficient to do it on our own without assistance. I have cried and prayed for a miracle and we did end up conceiving January 2013 but it ended in an early miscarriage 2/14/2013. We know the polyps caused the loss. Fetus and polyp blood don’t go well together and it is fatal for the fetus. I feel the baby was a boy so when I make reference to the pregnancy I always say our son. He would have turned four this October. There are days I question why we have not been able to find a way to have a baby together but in the end every time we find a way something happens to sabotage it. My friend tried IVF once and though she got pregnant it was not a viable pregnancy and she lost the baby. It was really hard on her but she wanted to try one more time since the insurance still had something left for it. She is now 10 weeks pregnant with her rainbow baby and this baby has a heart rate of 170bpm. I am happy one of us will have a baby in the end of things. I even asked her to let me know gender asap so I can get started on making a few things for her baby. She and the father are not always on the best of terms but I am happy she is able to finally have her happy ending of sorts and new beginnings. One can hope her husband comes around and gets this act together for her and the baby.
Sometimes I just hope one of my cycles work. Yes I would be hard considering all we have going on but it would be a blessing to be able to complete our family. My hubby has no biological children but has taken on the role of father in the lives of our three children. It would be a gift to be able to give him another child. Maybe some prayers would help? I don’t see us being able to ever do IVF at this point unless we won the lottery or came into some major cash flow. Who knows? Anything is possible.
Another day is almost through and I am so ready to be home. Probably because I know I have got to turn around and do this whole thing again tomorrow. I wake up at 2:50am to get ready to report in by 3:30am and start the day. Sometimes this also entails me getting KC up to go to the restroom and sometimes a clothing change as well as a quick bath. Also, RC asks me to make her lunch because she is rushing in the morning and cannot make it herself. This all leaves me tired and living on coffee while at work. When I arrive home I don’t just kick back and do nothing, my other job starts. At home there are things to be done and also I have to look through and check if there is anything going on with RC’s agency. Some say I am Superwoman but I feel like Wonderwoman … because I am wondering which direction is next to go to. LOL yes that was a small attempt at a joke. Not hugely funny but quirky to say the least.
My shoulder is achy today which is a pain since it is my dominant arm. I try not to take anything for it because honestly medications only put me to sleep and I don’t have time for naps. There is laundry I have in the washer and dryer that need attention once I am back home. Trying to send a text about things does not always result in things being completed. Especially since I don’t know if things will need to be rewashed or something. I do need to pick up bleach to do a few empty cycles in my washer. Front-load washers suck so bad. They are almost impossible to keep working without some sort of maintenance because they get a smell to them. The next washer will be a good old top loader.
The other day my boss asked me to put together a flyer for a night out at the Japanese Steakhouse for the staff. I did so and posted in by the time clock then approached the hubby about attending. We don’t get many chances to get out on our own because we are so strapped financially so of course, he was okay with attending. We went out last night and had a good time. I tried sushi for the first time and brought half of it home. It was good but tasted better once I flipped the fish into the frying pan for a few seconds, lol. The chef was entertaining and Hispanic which reminded my husband and me of an episode of ‘My Wife and Kids’. The rest of the group were interesting. The boss and another co-worker pretended it was their birthday so they could get a little bit of special treatment which was hilarious. We will probably mess with them both on Monday about the whole thing. Another co-worker not only brought her husband but also her two children. I thought that was a bit much but hey I wasn’t the only footing the bill and the kids were relatively behaved.
Our children stayed home and understood that mom and dad needed some time out. They are pretty good children and we are blessed that way. RC is growing into herself and KC is handling his self well though sometimes he is a bit bitter about what is going on with him. NC has found herself and is finally happy. It took a long time for her to get things together for herself and she went ahead and spoke with her doctors. Medication that I am on she is also on to help with the mood swings.
The last week has been pretty crazy with me and RC being sick. She still had to go to school and I still had to work. I had locked myself into working five days last week and thankfully I am not working Wednesday or Thursday because I need recoup time. My hubby started to get the ick we had but he was able to head it off with a couple of doses of Nyquil. I swear he can use that and it works wonders for him. Me, not so much. It just knocks me out for a while and I wake up still feeling the ick. RC didn’t have school today due to the teachers having a teacher work day. The day, I guess, is meant to give the teachers time to do their planners and grading and other things. Hopefully that is what they use it for though mostly these kids are being taught how to take tests which is frustrating. RC has test anxiety which means that though she does good in her classes, she sometimes bombs her testing time.
A couple of months ago the hubby and I decided to TTC again and failed on that. You see we have either been too busy, too tired or too stressed to hit any key points in the months. Eh, if we are meant to have another one it will happen and if not then distractions will continue to happen to ward it off. With the hubby getting ready to turn forty five this January, I wonder if our time has come and gone with the whole baby thing. I know he wants a child but he also knows that male infertility is what has been the issue with us. For a long time I thought it was me and he admitted, after we found out it was him ,that he had wondered if it had been him. He has done well with OUR kids. He has had his moments where I am sure he wondered what the heck he got himself into but we fit in a way that may not always make sense but it works, most of the time. I have had times where I wanted to walk away but in my life I have had those moments where things got hard and walking away was the option I chose and it may not have been the right decision.
I have really been out of commission for the last few days. Our 15 year old came home with a cold over the weekend and shared it with mom. Other than the pesky cough, I am feeling sort of okay. It just happens I am working five days this week which has been a little rough. I called to check on the position I interviewed for. There is an internal application that may trump me on the position. A technician from Myrtle Beach is looking to transfer down this way. The manager is waiting to see if she accepts the position and will let me know if she turns the position down. I guess hearing that bums me out because our family really needs something good to come along.
Back to the search for something to do. I will watch out for other clinics with that company though because higher pay would be a true benefit. My hubby is waiting to hear back from an at home position he applied for last week. They should be contacting him soon to start the process. That would give us a boost in monthly income which we need at this point.
Time to head back to shift and make this money. I am working a different clinic today so a co-worker of mine can officially become a US citizen.
Yesterday, after breaking down into tears too many times, I took my first dose of the Lexapro. Whether it is my hormones because my period is due or the stress I am under, I feel I need to be on the medication for now. The first blow of the day was seeing that my paycheck and other income that came in will just about cover the rent and utilities. Sad that we are taxed so much and pay so much for insurance that we cannot afford extras. By extras I mean, the groceries I had planned to buy and some winter clothes that are necessary. So here we are working on cleaning out the cupboard and layering clothing. My hubby applied for an at home position yesterday which would be helpful. He stays home with our son who is total care. This is something he and I had discussed at great lengths within the first few years of us being together. You see, he walked into a ready made family that included three kids and also one of the children being special needs. I don’t know if he was crazy for doing so or just crazy in love with me. But we have made it work. Nothing is perfect and frankly sometimes it is the most imperfect situation. He isn’t a talker and so sometimes the quiet infuriates me because I am a talker as well as being super emotional.
We have things that we need to work on as a couple and a family but hey who doesn’t? I still crave to have a baby with my husband and sometimes I ask his thoughts on it but he wants to just go with the flow. Yes, I mentioned having money issues but hey who doesn’t have those in their list of issues.
I am thinking of actively looking into freelance writing for sites and though it is a hard things to do sometimes I would be interested in seeing if I could generate some side cash with it. There are many subject matters I would be able to touch on and cover that could potentially be interesting as well as help others out. I have yet to go premium with this blog but that will probably end up being something to happen in January of 2018. Only because I have to make sure we have the fees for such thing.
Last night I dreamt of my mom. She has been passed on for nearly 12 years now. The crazy thing is I don't remember the dream but I know she was in it. I am assuming that the dream is a sign but at this point it isn't really clear. I went to sleep thinking about the interview I recently had and wondering if they will give me a chance to work that clinic. I still haven't started back on the Lexapro and I have been working on dealing with how I am feeling instead.
I am able to view my paycheck today that will be deposited tomorrow and I am pissed. I am working my tail off and if not for overtime the check would be even more pathetic. The check started out at ~$1500 but by the time insurance and taxes and more taxes are taken out my take home is ~$1065.09. And this is a job dealing with human life. The rent for this place is $1340/mo and we have ~$305 with all the utilities combined. I keep dreaming of us buying a place but damn we cannot even manage to save to start that process. This is depressing. I work so hard and get very little respect from most of my co-workers.
I am so stressed and have not gone back on the medication though I have been really thinking about it. Why the hell has life got to be so complex? Only in the USA can I be working 60 hours a week and be short on my pay because of insurance that still didn’t even cover the ENT appointment my husband had to leave without being seen. They said he had to pay $250 upfront before even being seen because we hadn’t met our deductible. Okay so because we are almost never sick and cannot afford to pay out of pocket to meet our deductible then he is shit out of luck at the appointment. How much sense does that really make? I am going to be looking into the government health care soon because I am paying too much out of pocket via my paycheck bi-weekly to be in that position he was in yesterday.
Remember being a kid and wanting to hurry up and become an adult?? What were we thinking? I would give anything to be a kid again. Or at least in a better position financially so we weren’t struggling.
I meant to post earlier but got sidetracked. Today I went to the interview I wrote about in the previous post. Arriving early I met the clinical manager before even entering the building. She asked me to take a seat so she could retrieve my resume and then escort me to the conference room. When she returned she had her lead PCT with her to sit in on the interview. We went into the conference room and spoke about a few things as well as spoke about my current company which both ladies had previously worked for my current company and not stayed with the said company. It was nice to hear someone else’s point of view on the company and that she wouldn’t drink the kool-aid. Now I wait to see if I made a good impression. The clinical manager showed me around the clinic and asked me some other questions. Praying I got this job.
After RC got off of school and before she could leave for a church event with friends she had a couple of audition tapes to complete. She questioned me on one of the parts, feeling she wasn’t ethnic enough for the part. The role is for an African American teen and RC is ethnically ambiguous but she is not African America. She expressed not wanting to put herself in the running and I explained to her that she was requested by the casting director. She did great with the taping and went on her way in a timely manner. She doesn’t realize how proud of her we truly are.