Today makes the fourth day in a row working this week and I am EXHAUSTED. I have two more days to work before I am off on Sunday. It is crazy that it is 0645 and I am so damn tired. BUT the paycheck from the overtime will be worth it. Tomorrow a bonus hits the bank and this weekend we have to get ALL of the Christmas shopping done. We are probably setting a $600 limit total between both kids. I am also looking into sneaking a gift for my hubby. He has been wanting to do a http://www.myheritagedna.com kit for a while now to be able to know exactly what the ethnic background is with him. He is what they used to deem as a Heinz 57 because the ethnic history is so blurred.
I am working on sending that email from the InvoCell company to the fertility specialist we seen in 2014. Maybe I can help bring the procedure to Atlanta for us as well as other couples.
Time to get back to the grind and leave blogging for another date and time.
Today I am working another clinic location which I am quite familiar with. Structured hours for how long I am to be here is actually kind of nice. Though I didn’t think my shoulder would still be bothering me which tends to get in the way of doing things. I seriously believe something is tore inside my shoulder and I just keep re-hurting it by lifting KC and doing other things with the arm. Maybe it may be time to set up a doctors appointment to have it x-rayed. Sometime soon, if it continues.
Yesterday my husband and I were talking about other ways to go about having a baby together and some of his concerns. I think he was surprised to hear that I not only share some of the concerns but also some of the resolutions too. I am going to be forwarding an email to the specialist we have seen in the past to see if they are willing to use a new technology that has been in place in Europe since 2008. The procedure is called InvoCell (https://invobioscience.com) . The cost of it is ~$3600 total. That is drastically different from the 13k IVF down payment. I have included the link that explains the science behind things. If we were able to achieve pregnancy I would have a Harmony (http://www.harmonytestusa.com) test done to check the health of the baby(ies). With my son being terminally ill with a genetic condition it would be irresponsible to go into things blind with a new child.
Time will tell how the cards will fall on that though. Updates will follow when they come.
I received an email stating that a position was open at the location I previously interviewed for so I reapplied. After reapplying I also called the manager to touch base. She said there were some internal possibilities but that she was pulling my application since we had interviewed previously. This would be a step in the right direction but we will see how it goes.
I am super tired this morning. It could be because I opened to close the last two days which meant Monday 0330-1445 (get up by 0230) and Tuesday 0330-1900 (get up by 0230). Then back here again at 0300 (get up at 0210) until whatever time I get off the clock today. Not to mention working with less than desirable staff which then means cranky customers because things are “different” today. Tomorrow is my day off BUT KC’s nurse comes at 0915 for his weekly visit then stays for at least 45 minutes to an hour. Something has got to change with my life as far as work goes before this schedule does me in. On a lighter note, my hubby may be getting an editing job,via a long time friend of his, to generate some income from home. I am waiting to hear further details about that. He has a hard time with me being the only one working even though he and I agreed to make sure someone stays home with KC while the other one works.
I am going to try and make an effort to not be dead at home today when I get there. It would probably be wise for me to take a hot bath since my shoulder is KILLING me today. Then maybe throw some laundry in and also watch the episode of #TWD that I fell asleep on this past Sunday. The last thing I remember about the episode was Rick getting polaroid in his draws.
Sitting here waiting for things to be done @ work and my shoulder is killing me. You see, I never truly rest it enough to get the kink out of it so I kind of expect the pain anymore honestly. Work had it’s highs and lows today but for the most part it was pretty good. Tomorrow is something I have to mentally prepare myself for because of the staffing. If I could afford to, I would call out. My boss said though that she will close for the day tomorrow. Little blessings since that will be the third day in a row opening and two in a row closing as well. It is pouring outside which means I should sleep well. Once I am able to get to bed, of course.
Today another friend of mine announced their IVF pregnancy. She is as far along as my other friend is with her IVF baby. While I am happy for them I grieve for myself. Yes, I have three living children and two embie angels BUT six years ago we started a journey that has ended differently than we expected. One of the embie angels belongs to my husband and I. That baby should have turned three this past October. I always wonder what things would have been like had that baby come to term and was running around with us now. My heart aches for the baby we will never have. We have gone through so much to complete our family without success. I thought the silver lining to our loss was that we knew we would be able to get pregnant again successfully.
Yes, this is me throwing my personal pity party and silently crying for what should have been. My husband has no biological children of his own and his genetics will stop with him because of that. We will never see a little person who is half me and half him. The dreams of the past where we have seen our child and sometimes our children, that is all that will ever be. I have started jobs in an effort to have medical coverage for IVF and gotten through to the appointment before the planning appointment only to then have the coverage snatched from me.
Our daughter RC even put together a GoFundMe account ( https://www.gofundme.com/miner-addition-to-complete-us ) to try to raise the funds for IVF. It is 15k down to even begin the process. She even put a goal deadline of January 29th which is our wedding anniversary. She is such an old soul with the spunk of a typical teenager.
I found myself looking around at work today asking myself “Where am I?” The employees sound like high schoolers and the customers sound like daycare kids. The drama level is causing me migraines. I really need to find a new job. Something that pays close to what I am making but less danger as far as exposure. I’m sitting here on break enjoying a cup of coffee which may help my headache.
Yesterday our teenager broke her silence but still does not understand why she has to help around the house. It is frustrating but I am laying in my own bed, so to speak. I have babied her and it is coming to bite me. But just like everything else, we will get through this.
KC had a double visit yesterday. First was his nurse then it was the nurse practitioner. Yesterday was his two month visit the recertification for hospice. He is still declining and frankly I didn’t think he would be with us this long. This disease process is torture to him and to the people around him. I do need to get the FMLA paperwork together for when the time comes. Hopefully it comes soon. He isn’t able to play his games anymore so he spends his time watching tv and YouTube. His back and his bottom are constantly aching but he cannot tolerate pain medications.
I’m just ready for life to go on. And it isn’t going to as it is now, things have to change. I will be getting my license within the next couple of months and letting RC get her permit. Working on consolidation my student loans so I can get things taken care of. A lot is going to change with 2018. A LOT.
Last night at dinner I seen some things at home that really need to be changed ASAP. I have babied our youngest because of her being the last but also because of the stuff she has had to see with her brother. My bad for being wrong for that, in a sense. But I noticed last night that my husband and RC talk at each other rather than to each other. They both use defensive tones and have to have the last word. As they were talking I just shook my head. Today, after work, I am going to request a sit down to discuss things that are going on. If I do not bring things to light, they will never change and that will not be a good thing. It will be toxic to continue like that.
My husband kept bringing up RC getting an allowance for doing nothing and he is right about that. I mean she assumes because she keeps her bathroom clean that it is enough. BUT she goes over friends houses and cleans without hesitation. Not only cleaning but also moving and painting as well. So, it was not too much to have her give the dogs their second feeds and vacuum the carpeted area once a week. Also, rinsing out her dishes and working on those grades. She is passing but has to work on the grades getting out of C range. Especially since she knows she is capable of pulling A’s and B’s.
I am not stressing myself out though because it is not going to do me any good. This talk is long overdue.
There are a lot of things I am working on and sometimes I feel like I am going in circles chasing my own tail. Things have to be worked on to get RC her permit but also school things. Since she is a sophomore this year she has to start thinking about colleges and such. She also needs to be working on her grades because those will play a big factor in where she will be accepted into school.
Thanksgiving went over okay with the MiL here for a few days. Though it was a bumpy patch when there was some miscommunication between the hubby and I. But it got figured out. I just texted him about consolidating my student loans so I can defer them. I really would like to get all my tax refund this year so we can plan a proper vacation and start saving for a home.
Rambling is today’s post which is ok. Laterz
Yesterday my family and I went to another city that was supposed to be recreating Whoville from ‘The Grinch Stole Christmas’. This happens to be RC’s favorite movie. Needless to say this will be the last time we attend. We did get some pretty pictures. I tried to get a family picture but my hubby was being crabby and didn’t want to take a pic. Later on I found out his knee has been bothering him. I am figuring this is another attack of his gout but for now we won’t mention that. Our doctor said a shot of cherry juice a day will lessen the uric acid content in the blood stream. Now he has just got to start drinking it. The juice is sitting in the fridge, cold and ready for consumption.
RC has bee recruited for a 100 hour film festival race and I am hoping she has a blast with it. She will only be filming for one day and I have got to talk to my boss about getting someone to work for me so I can go with her. That should be interesting. Though we have some new employees that aren’t new to the field so hopefully it goes well.
I am still job hunting while keeping my cool at the current job. Things haven’t been totally bad and so it makes things tolerable. Also, I received a bonus which is good for the bank account. Just have to figure out how to swing a few things for Christmas because I don’t want to wait until the complete last minute like I did last year.
KC has been really copping major attitude lately. I think he is tired of the whole disease process and his limitations. The limitations are increasingly getting worse. He is unable to feed himself with utensils and most finger food is becoming harder. He has mentioned wishing things were over because this really isn’t worth it. That is sad to think about because he should be enjoying life but this disease has taken everything from him that he enjoys. He isn’t able to play his video games because his fine motor skills suck so much. He spends a lot of his time watching Netflix, YouTube, Hulu and some regular TV. I wish his FRDA would go away and he wouldn’t have to deal with it. It affects him and the rest of the family in ways that are unimaginable.