I sit here waiting to see what happens next instead of living in the moment. Rikki is going through her senior year which brings up a lot of emotions in me. I don’t want to dull her shine or hold her back because I believe in her and what she will become. As a mom I look at all the last happening this year BUT I also look at all the first yet to come. She is talking about college and a specific one that is roughly 1.5 hours away which is okay. Okay because she will have us far enough away to be able to do her but close enough that we can drive there if she needed us to. This is definitely different than when Nisa went off to school. Not different, bad but rather just different experiences.
Life as we know it has been hilly to put it mildly. I have been working entirely too much which ends after this month for real. Will is going to be taking a test soon to be able to sub for the district as a teacher and we will simply have to coordinate our schedules to make things work. We have been working through rough patches slowly. I get easily frustrated with his lack of motivation to get up and do something and I let it build until I burst. Blowing up means I say a whole lot without getting much of a point across. I do seriously think he doesn’t not see the cues that he needs to when it comes to my moods …. after 15 years of us being together. Marriage is definitely no cake walk … it is a job. And not one for the faint of heart.
I did sign up with Hempworx ( http://www.hempworx.com/lminer ) last month and made ONE sale. This frustrated me because I had MULTIPLE people talking about buying once I joined but only one came through. There are some kinks to work out and I have to network more to be able to give it my all. Follow my Instagram business page @lminer.hempworx which will give you a way to message me about it all. OR email me at email@example.com
Life has a lot of changes coming and coming fast. I am definitely cutting back my hours at work and looking into a local school to get into a new field .. new line of work. As I am getting older and things are clear about how life itself is going .. I don’t want to keep on the path I am in. I have goals and dreams that will take more to achieve. This is a turning point for myself honestly. It is time to take a look in the mirror and really see what is or who is in front of me.
On a lighter note, we are taking a trip soon to Florida. I am kind of excited about it because most of us will be together for the holidays. I am hoping to be able to convince Nisa and Cody to come down for Christmas so we can spend time together. We have not been able to travel up and see Nisa’s house at this point but we have to plan a trip soon.
As of Friday I will officially be an affiliate with a company called Hempworx! I have been researching CBD oil and the benefits of it. It has been something I have discussed in detail with others who also have been interested. I’ll be posting my link as well as making an IG, FB, Twitter and wordpress blog for it to follow my journey with the company. Guess what? I already have a handful of people ready to order once I am signed up. Positive vibes breed positive outcomes.
Yesterday was the last open house I will ever attend with my last child. Where the heck did the time go?? She is a freaking senior. She still has so much to figure out but she was very happy with her schedule that was given out at the open house. It was also kind of funny that there is now someone at the school who has her last name. That is the first time that has happened EVER. I’ve got senior pictures I can share on here soon. By the way, when did those things get so freaking expensive? I am thinking we will get the sample pictures and I can scan those to post.
I’m almost an empty-nester. That to me is super weird. I never pictured me at the age I am or with adult children. AHHHH!!!!!!
Can you believe you are 26?? Me either! You have struggled with coming into yourself and accepting you for you and I am sorry for that. There is no need to please anyone other than yourself. Others are a bonus rather than a necessity. Know I am proud of you and who you have become. Continue doing you and living for you! I love you.
Happy Birthday punky!! I love you forevermore
There comes a time when goals need to be set and there needs to be steps to reach said goals. Last night I verbalized that my gift to myself for my 45th birthday (4 years away) is going to be a mommy makeover. I have spent so much time and effort taking care of everyone else that I really haven’t done what I have wanted to for myself and that has to be something I work on. Rikki is all for it because she knows how much it would mean to me. I mentioned it to my hubby and he says “You must be talking to the nurse friend who got her surgery done.” Okay, first things first, I haven’t spoken to said nurse for a while now. Secondly, why would someone else influence me into doing something like that. Third, his response should have been to say though he is satisfied with how I am, he would be okay with me doing it to be happier with myself. Rikki had said not to mention it to him because his response wouldn’t be one I liked and I thought maybe it would be so I did and it backfired. But it is what it is right? They say you make the bed you choose to lay in. The goal is to make the best of any situation and that is what I am choosing to do. Complaining will not get me anywhere so I won’t waste the thought or breath on it.
My days off I am going to be researching schools to work on getting into a better position financially which will make me happy. My MiL thought I was looking into medical billing and coding which I am not because I want to completely leave the medical field. Years ago I seen no other path for me but the medical field and at this point it is not what I want to see myself retiring from.
Time to get back to doing me and being happy because that is just the right path for me.
Getting caught up in life happens right? Since I last blogged I was promoted to preceptor which comes with a pay raise. This is something that I am happy about and it also comes with perks for every person I train. I can definitely use the pay increase since we won’t be moving out of this rental and renewal comes with a rent increase. The base rent is going from $1425 to $1485 plus the pet rent. I have emailed to address the fact that our service dog was also included in the pet rent which was overlooked due to the hectic time during the move. I did though later contact their email to address this but it wasn’t changed. That is $420 for this entire lease in pet rent for a service dog. Idk hopefully they can resolve this when we resign the lease.
Will was denied for disability and we are in the process of appealing the appeal since the letter explaining the reasoning had inconsisencies. I had him notate the problems in the letter and am writing the letter on my day off, tomorrow. The whole process is ridiculous if you ask me. I do believe some depression has set in with my husband because he sees me struggling. Not to mention men usually carry their own in the relationship and he hasn’t been able to. It has been like that for a while and I keep pushing forward hoping things improve.
I called to pay for the procedure for Rikki and they directed me to their website which wouldn’t allow me to pay so I may have to take a trip to the clinic to do it in person. That is a total PITA (Pain In The Ass). Things shouldn’t be this hard when I have the card number and everything to take care of things.
Almost empty nest is bringing to light some real distance and issues we have to work on with our marriage. Things we need to discuss because this is not how I seen us being nor see us being for the next 30 years. Life has more to it then what is currently going on. It is like couple time is more like time apart anymore. Maybe it has always been like that but with the kids around it made things seem like they were different. Nisa has remarked about how Will used to be and that she doesn’t understand why things have changed. Rikki has a lot of resentment because of how things have changed. Maybe some tough questions need to be asked and answered honestly.
Life is changing in a lot of ways and really it has been especially since losing Kody. I don’t think I will ever totally deal with that because it is more than I can handle. But that is a weight I carry and will probably until I join him. That will be a long while though because my girls need me here. He understands that though because he was like that when he was here.
Last week I turned 41. The week before Rikki turned 17. Majority of our house happens to be #Gemini which explains some of the craziness. I’ve made some decisions about my work life balance that may cut down money but it will also cut down on stress. I’m strictly going to do three days weekly especially since they are LONG ass shifts. We are talking I am at the clinic from 5:30am-10:30pm. My patients know my hours and think I am simply crazy. This week I have to focus on a few things beside work. There are three appointments that need to be made for Rikki that have to be scheduled around Rikki’s job. SHIT did I mention she is working now? She is nanny to a very rambunctious 6.5 month old little boy. She watches him a few days every other week for the mom and it isn’t far from the house.
Things are changing and I am working on trying to roll with it. On my days off I am going to be looking through college options for Rikki because we have to make some trips to check out the schools. It is very hard for me to sit here and realize she is going to be going to school somewhere where I am not going to be right there with her. Yes I know she isn’t little anymore BUT I am not ready. We are going to have to work on applying for scholarships and grants to aid in paying for where she chooses. For now it will have to be in Georgia because instate tuition is less. There are some good schools here so I have no doubt that will be okay. She will retake her SAT this fall which will be required and I will look into the ACT. I am not sure how I am going to hold it together through all this.
Nisa started coding school and is loving it. She says it challenges her and is not something she would have thought she would enjoy. We talk weekly for the most part and she has disclosed her concerns about where she is at. The radon levels are way beyond suitable levels. I’d love if we all settled into the same state especially since it is just us but I am not sure she will move Cody away from his family. Wedding plans have not been a topic of discussion and I am figuring that is because it isn’t happening for some time so she will focus on school first.
Today you turn 17 and that is so unreal to me. We have had such an uphill battle with things in life but know I have always loved you and I feel blessed to be able to be your mom. I’ve not always been able to do everything you have needed and wanted but I have done what I could. Hopefully as you grow and mature you forgive me for my short comings and love me for who I am. You are an amazing human being and don’t let anyone tell you anything different. Remember nothing and no one can ever dictate your life or your existence. Know you are simply amazing exactly as you are.
I love you to the moon and back with a whole bunch of hearts on top. Happy Birthday baby girl!!!
This weekend is time for me to spend with Rikki and Will. It is the first Saturday I have had off in a month and it is going to be great. If it doesn’t rain, Rikki and I will head to the pool. If it rains, we may still head to the pool. Hell either way we are getting wet, right? Then Sunday the hubby and I will have “date night” which will consist of a movie and lunch or dinner. Still working on figuring out what Rikki wants to do for Tuesday since it is officially her birthday. Maybe go out to a place she picks? Her girlfriends pulled together a surprise party for her last week which was super sweet. When I have access to the pictures I will add them to this blog entry. It may take me swiping them from her facebook or instagram. That is usually how I get the pictures she has taken while out. I’ve got to add them all to my Google drive to be able to make some photo books later.
I am currently researching school opportunities for myself and browsing options for her as well. I know Rikki has talked about going into cosmetology and then taking classes for the business side of things. I have no doubt that once she has decided her life course she will excel because she is a bright and goal oriented young lady. I just want her to do something she loves that can not only support her but be fun for her to do. Nisa has begun her schooling for coding which she had to commit to full time and quit her job. Thankfully Cody is working and is able to go full time to give her time to get the education that will allow her to do what she wants to do and what will give her financial stability.
June 18th Rikki takes her senior pictures at her school. I’ve got to ask her if she wants me to bring Kody’s orb because I know she wants it to be with us at graduation. She really misses her brother and I think she is having a hard time adjusting to him not being here. Is adjusting the right or proper word? I am not sure if it is. He won’t he here for her important days and I know that hurts her in a way she will never be able to explain. He was her big brother and her side kick.
As for the disability, the appeal was denied and the letter explaining it makes no sense. There are inconsistencies with what they put in the letter. This coming week we will be putting together an appeal to appeal the appeal decision. That sentence made sense, right? I know he is frustrated with it and I am at a loss on what else to do about it.
Within the next few months I am going to get my crap together and get my license. I’ve driven but I don’t like driving. Why? I am not really sure but it has been something I need to get done. Rikki has to get her license too. Independence is something that is very important. If something were to happen to Will not only do we need to be able to carry on we also need to be in a better position financially. Which reminds me, I need to get his life insurance back in place because at this point if something happens to him I only get the policy I have through work which is $30k. My policy between personal and work is totaled at $576K.
Tonight Rikki is out with her friends who organized a surprise bday party for her. She turns 17 on the 11th which is when a bunch of them will be gone/out of town. I am glad she has friends who love her enough to do things like this. We are supposed to be going to lunch and the movies on her actual birthday but she has said she isn’t going. I am not sure how I feel about that response because it has been kind of the thing we do when birthdays roll around. We will see what comes of the day we go. Her friend, Jelel, comes back on the 10th from Paris and he has promised to bring back a souvenir. They are just friends and he is a sweet guy who recently graduated from high school.
I have been working more days to try and get ahead and I am EXHAUSTED. Next week I plan to scale back to try and get some R&R. Well that and get our house together in the way I want it to be. I will be making an effort to go to the pool on my downtime. The community we live in has a nice one which is a plus to this place. That is a good thing since we will have to sign a lease renewal when the time comes for it to be up in September. Rikki will be sticking with the same high school as a SENIOR. I cannot believe she is officially at senior status. I am not ready to be a mom of grow ups. Part of me thought that Kody would always be around and always require some level of care. But that is not the case and so it is time to figure out the next chapter of my life. I know it’s technically OUR LIVES but lately it has been me focusing on me.
Life is definitely changing everyday. I am looking into classes for coding to possibly change career paths. We are still waiting for Will’s disability decision and I am growing impatient with the system. To think the original application was in Feb 2017 and it is now 6/2019. TWENTY EIGHT MONTHS is beyond ridiculous.
Life goes on and we just keep rolling with the punches. Giving up and giving in are not options even when I am at my low points.